How to Resolve a Conflict With Your Significant Other
This post is a response to A Good Husband’s post The Ultimate Guide to Winning an Argument With Your Spouse.
At the end of his post Cory asked if anyone had any comments or suggestions, I don’t think I have any suggestions but I do think I have some comments that could be used as suggestions. So, here it goes…
In any relationship (a friendship, a working relationship, a marriage, etc) there is going to be conflict and I have found out that personally my goal is less about completely avoiding conflict but more about how I handle that conflict once it has begun. About a month after I started dating my wonderful girlfriend Nicole (June 30th will mark 8 months, yay!) we had our first big fight. I can actually remember what it was about but I am not going to rehash it, that is not the point of this post, the point is what happened after. We were both furious theach other even after we resolved the issue so we sat down at the kitchen table and each explained the things the other did during the argument that the we thought were not conductive to the argument. With some of the things we realized we were being stupid and should let the complaint slide and with others we acknowledged that we were not helping the argument.
After learning what behaviors we both exhibited during an argument that were not conductive we now do something very simple: when either of us notices one of the behaviors the argument stops, period. We then take 5-10 minutes to do something else (alone or together) and then after that time if we can even remember what we were discussing/arguing about we may continue the discussion. 8 out of 10 times after 10 minutes we can’t even remember what the problem is and by taking a break we avoid getting mad at each other.
So, to summarize:
- After the argument sit down with your significant other in a non-comfy setting
- Like a kitchen table with hot chocolate.
- Calmly discuss the things your significant other did/said during the argument that you felt did not help the situation.
- Let the lady go first, it’s the polite thing to do.
- Use, “I” statements, not “You” statements.
- With discussion determine if any of the things that were said or done seem trivial to both parties, throw these out.
- Now when you argue in the future if one or both of you find yourself doing one of those things you discussed stop.
- Now, go do something else for 5-10 minutes, together or apart.
- After the time has passed if you can remember what the issue was discuss the issue calmly and carefully, remember, you love this person you are talking to.
- If you can’t remember what the issue was drop it and move on.
Now, I myself are partial to clamming up when I am wrong as well as beating a dead horse (beating a dead horse is almost my favorite hobby) but this system works well for myself and Nicole but it does take work. Also, one thing to note, your mileage may vary and feel free to modify this system to your specific situation/relationship.
Woo, this post started off kinda rambling, but I think it ended petty nice. This blog is kinda a splattering of lots of different things but I hope to do more relationship posts in the future, please comment and share any thoughts you may have on this post or my blog in general.
